im six kinds of drunk right now
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
