I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
