my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
