i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
