I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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