Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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