I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
