i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
