Can i not drive my cunt home
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
