How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
