I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
