i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
