proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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