how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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