I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
