I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How's work?
Spinning.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
