Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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