i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
