so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
