We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
