I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Let's get the cat blown out
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
