I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
