My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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