went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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