why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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