Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
