Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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