Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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