wanna go halves on a baby?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
