So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
