Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
