I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
