barbara walters just said penis...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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