Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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