3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i now understand why vodka
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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