I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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