you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
