I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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