EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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