and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
