Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
These tits shall not be calmed
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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