just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
