and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
