i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
