found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
