Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
