Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
