i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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