I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
