You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
