she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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