I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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